Werewolf: The Mike & JB Show!

[JB] – Nothing new to write about. I just want to look at myself on here. This was taken right after manual palm to genital congress. Got a little on my neck.

Oh, wait. Here’s something totally unrelated and irrelevant, but nonetheless fucking awesome: a prison drug-mule beauty pageant.

Click here

Take special note of picture 9. It appears for the talent portion of the competition, the pageant contestant actually had a mule shit her out! Genius. That totally trumps the entrance we used at the Varsity show.
I love prison bitches, and this is the cat’s pajamas as far as I’m concerned. To be clear: these are women who’ve been arrested for swallowing condoms full of drugs, hopping on a flight to deliver themselves and then shitting out the drugs. Shitting the drugs out of their ass. Not shitting turds, shitting condoms. I’m so horny.

[DereWolf] Fucking Mike and JB Smooth, if you don’t believe in yourself, you could probably end up doing me…

No one has updated this thing since the last Caterie show, so it looks like I’ll have to step in and get everyone (all 5 of us) up to speed. First off, Werewolf purchased a new state-of-the-art tour bus so that they can travel across the world (Baton Rouge) in style. I’ve been trying to convince them to rechristen it the Rape Wagon of Doom 2k6, write “Church of Jesus Christ the Serpent” on the sides, and mount machine guns on it to fight terrorism, but they’re too lazy. However, if any ladies happen to end up in the bus/van/tank, don’t worry about the bed in the middle or a half-dressed Illegal D staring at you and licking his lips; that’s just how WW rolls.

So what else happened? Hrmmm… Well, Werewolf took the van and headed off to South Korea to play their bi-monthly show for the troops and Asian chicks. I didn’t make the trip because I am too busy with my weiner modeling career, but I heard they traded in one of the Asian breakdancers for an upgrade, I guess we’ll have to see this weekend.

Other than that, there was a super awesomely fantastic show at the Varsity on the 15th. If you missed the show, then you probably remember about as much as I do about the night. The only way I know for sure I was even there is that I am STILL seeing spots from where the new light show burnt my eyes. I’ve also come to the conclusion that Werewolf is the LEAST gayest cover band in this town. I won’t name names, but let’s just say that the members of “Active J” might try and give you a reacharound if you ever find yourself in the dark with them (and have a penis).

There was a show at the Keg in Lafayette on the 16th, but we’ve sworn never to talk about it again. Then there was the “secret” show at Ringside. Those are “neat” but ever since Mike cut all of his hair off, he doesn’t get anymore propositions from drunk old men that think he’s just a chick with a beard.

The last show was Freds, which was entertaining. Now it was nearly as entertaining as the show where Mike passed out in middle of Push It and then later puked on himself while trying to piss (he passed out while doing this too), or the night Dennis decided he would play in his underwear and then pull out his balls and walk around the club to see if anyone would notice. No, it was entertaining because we met a new mystery fan that could be dead for all we know. She couldn’t speak English (not because she spoke another language, but because she was far too drunk), she couldn’t walk, she couldn’t stand, she couldn’t steal things, she just couldn’t function. I was trying to break down equipment and heard her talking to John about shoes, hot dogs, tits, Arabs, and cookies all in the same sentence. I mean, I really hope she’s OK, but holy god, I don’t even understand how she got out of the bar.

Saturday is the Caterie show. Everyone should go. People should buy me drinks. People should tip the band $100 to play songs earlier in the set. Girls should stay away from the Rape Wagon of Doom 2k6 (actually, so should guys. gross). You should all wear sunblock and possibly bring those little alien-looking glasses that you wear in tanning beds. Oh, and bring an extra pair of underdrawers because Werewolf will rock your panties off!

[Mike] Werewolf may be one of the most exciting cover band projects to ever come out of LSU, or the Dirty South even, but we weren’t always that fucking amazing. Actually, the name and conceptual masterpiece known as Werewolf dates back all the way to the year 2000. A simple Google search reveals this cached link which displays definitive internet proof that the very first Werewolf show to ever be performed was on Saturday, July 22nd 1998! Sadly, there was no Saturday, July 22nd in 1998, but there was one in THE YEAR 2000. Ever since I was young I, as well as Conan O’Brien, knew that something amazing was going to happen that year- which if you haven’t already realized was the beginning of WEREWOLF!!! click me asap

You might notice in that link that WereWolf[sic] was listed as a side project to Sparkely V. Sparkely V stands for Sparkely Vagina and is an entirely different blog post. Anyway, Becoming Orange was some sort of sideshow where a fag named Skip pretended he had talent and friends. It would have definitely been good acting had anyone bothered to stay and watch him after they witnessed the awesomeness that was WEREWOLF!!! dude click me hard

You might say, “Hey! That’s JB and Matt!” You’d be wrong, asshole! It is their mysterious alteregos: Nouveau Riche and Harry Wolf, respectively. Look at us, pioneers of painting our faces white only four years after Marilyn Manson made Alice Cooper famous.

Rare shot of the full band! Notice me, Mike, all the way to the left? WRONG! That’s none other than.. Igor or Ivor or something. But notice how fucking cool I look at 17 years old. I was the suicidal one of the group. Always slitting my wrists before and during shows. You might also ask, “Hey, that’s not Illegal D.. I don’t recognize that drummer.” Well, you’d be correct, but I don’t remember his pseudonym either. Actually, to tell you the truth, I don’t even remember what his real name was.

There is actual live video of the entire show and also a candid interview with a very drunk Igor/Ivor whatever. If this will ever see the light of day or if anyone will ever care, no one will know. To quote the great Kevin Beekin, “If somebody falls off a log walk and no one’s around to give a shit, does it make a sound?”

After Werewolf’s first show ever, and a failed attempt at becoming famous from an intense and compelling version of Men Without Hats’ Safety Dance, JB took a much needed break and returned to Los Angeles to rest and buy undeserving boobjobs for foreigners. He also got a chance to reconnect with his sister and star of Warrant’s video Cherry Pie, Bobbie Brown.

It was three years later when JB finally returned to Baton Rouge to meet his destiny and therefore rejoin the band that he will eventually die in. Our very first show was on October 30th, 2003 @ The Spanish Moon. I don’t have any pictures of us performing, but needless to say, I looked amazing. Matt on the other hand-

Our new incarnation of Werewolf is almost three years old. We’ve evolved quite a bit as you’ll see at The Caterie this Saturday. By “evolved” I mean we bought like 30 lights to hide the fact that none of us have any stage presence. Oh, and we got a van that we can finally invite girls into to play video games. We’ve come a long fucking way.

[Matt channeled through Mike] Since Matt doesn’t like blogs or is too cool for them or wears a wig or whatever, I thought I’d share this little gem from Matt’s old band’s blog. It’s a thoughtful little post back from the carefree days before 9/11/01, where his dreams were obviously shattered and his hatred for terrorists and blogs were born. To better understand this I’ll explain that back in his old band, Sparkely V, Matt went by the pseudonym Snogger T. Enjoy:

[Mike] Being that Illegal D nor Matt have a blog post to be found, I’ve temporarily/permanently changed a couple things(re: blog header). Once Matt learns how to like blogs(“It’s not what you like, Matt, it’s what the fans like.”) and Illegal D learns how to use a computer, I may or may not change it back. I know Matt has plenty of YouTube/GoogleVideo links and hot Myspace girls to present here and Illegal D has tons of hilarious stories about stalking women and cutting people.. so what’s the deal? Ill D, I want to hear about that underage girl in the Wal-Mart parking lot that one night, and Matt, I want you to show everyone that hot young Myspace chick that comes to all of our shows but none of us have the balls to talk to her. The world is obviously in need of a little more voyeuristic entertainment no matter how unimportant and irrelevant we are.

Thanks guys,
Mike

[Mike] If you ever find yourself being a member of the 80s Cover Band, Werewolf- a word of warning: When you’re on the road in a vehicle traveling for many hours at a time with four males and no females in the car, there is a complete lack of shame in spewing out butt gas in extremely large amounts. This combined with a weekend of shitty diet and, consequently, constipation issues, it can start to become fairly annoying, even deadly.

One technique, usually employed by the driver of the vehicle, is blasting a jet of colon fumes into the air and then promptly locking all windows and turning up the heater to high. This can lead to vomiting, crying, loss of consciousness, fire, and, in our late keyboard player Gabe’s case, even death. I’m not a big fan of that technique, I usually use the “opening all of the windows” one.

Each member of Werewolf has a very specific fart profile:

JB-
His farts can be compared to cute animals in the wild. He lets out a precious squeal and just when you believe it might have been small and harmless it terrorizes your olfactory system like gaseous airborne razorblades. He uses his hands as tools to spread around the toxicity amongst his uncontrollable laughter and hubris. Pioneer of the lock windows/heater technique.

Illegal D-
Strikes with the ferocity of a degenerate ninja barbarian. At your safest moment his gas will grab you by the forehead and slit your throat with a thousand sphincter born scythes. This leaves you just enough time for you to understand your fate and curse him feverishly during your last moments. High sulphur content. Has recently employed JB’s lock windows/heater technique.

Mike-
Thine Phantom Phartness. My farts cloak themselves in already existing farts to make clean escapes without being detected. This sneakiness entails the person of the original fart to continue smelling my fart thinking it is his own and that is just really, really disgusting.

Matt-
Queefing Queen. Mimicking the gender of an actual queen, Matt rarely seems to fart, and when he does, his farts have the sound of a loose vagina gargling air directly into his pants. These farts have more of a psychological threat in that they are just plain disturbing.

[JB] Being an outspoken advocate for successful, credible and relevant rock stars everywhere, I must confess: we loves our share of dangerous pussy. The kind of snatch that will shove a fucking pearing knife in your ear when you fall asleep and make off with your wallet, laptop, and set fire to that pile of clothes on your floor as she drives off in your car. That said, I wholeheartedly endorse and support Iowa’s prison system for having a beauty contest for it’s hottest inmate.

Unfortunately, the hottest chicks are only guilty of being lying, cold hearted, star-fucking whores.. Hardly a jailable offense; but their genetically inferior sociopathic brethren are locked up in all their meth-addled glory for us to oogle from our monitors. So go ahead, throw the first stone! I hope mine hits Jessica!

Fresh Fish Comin Through!